I came across a wonderful website, fatherhood.org, that I wanted to share with you. If you’re a dad or know a dad I suggest that you share this with them, let them check it out and decide what to do with it themselves.
What I learned today about being a father:
I took off work two hours earlier than I normally would. I wasn’t being productive, thinking about a new idea I came up with rather than doing the work that was in front of me that needs to get done, even if it doesn’t need to get done today. That’s one of my major flaws, my mind races in different directions, seeing things that aren’t there and wondering how I can get them there. My new creation has me researching vitamins and energy supplements and how they interact with the chemical balance of juice. I’d go into detail for you, but I just spent the last 20 minutes writing about it before I realized how boring my description is, so I’ll move on instead.
Anyhow, I thought about going home but I didn’t. I was missing my family, but I have realized that at home I can’t get any work done at all. So, I went to the library instead. I know, not a cool move by daddy, but for two hours I was able to research in peace, no phones ringing at work, no mama needing daddy at home.
When I came home Jackie was on her way out. She was frustrated, Griffin had been fussy all day. And when I told her I left work early to do some research I saw a defeated look in her eyes, the longness of her face being pulled further into the ground. She didn’t say anything at first, kind of shrugged it off, and continued to tell me about her day.
What I think I know:
Wrong. Everything about being daddy over the last 24 days told me that what I was doing was completely wrong. It wasn’t wrong because I left work early, every thing was covered and the work that needed to get finished did, but it was because I used being daddy as an excuse to sneak away for a few hours to do the things that I love do, attempt at being creative.
She thinks I take up enough time with this blog, doesn’t understand why I do it or why I anyone would read it. I can’t explain it to her, but the reason she fell in love with me was because I aspired to be a writer. She liked my creativity, my inspiration from life events that gives me ideas to better our future, to create some thing or write some thing that changes the way one person, just one, looks at the world. I have always wanted to do that, but being daddy is what I’ve done to change a life.
She didn’t have to tell me she was tired, or that she was disappointed that I didn’t come home when I left work. She didn’t need to, rather she just went about what she was doing. On her way out she looked at me and simply said she was proud of me.
And being me, I didn’t get it. I still don’t. Jackie, my wonderful wife, knows me well enough to support my ideas, whether they are crazy, intangible, out of the ordinary or just plain weird. Being daddy has created a different future for us, a new path that hasn’t been written or paved and who knows, maybe future daddy’s ideas will be the ones to change the world.
But in the meantime I need to just focus on being daddy today. Future daddying depends on it.
Daddy Question:
The blogosphere is full of creative people who have creative ideas and unique perspectives. How do you balance your creative side while being the best parent that you can be?
My Future, Griffin John
I just came across another compelling website, HowToBeADad.com. Like so many other fatherhood websites this isn’t a site that defines dads or dads to be. It’s a fun play on the musings of two different fathers and their livelyhoods and has some great articles to entertain and somewhat enlighten us.
But is this it for us daddies? In my research this is pretty typical of what I find, sites dedicated to being daddy for our entertainment only. Below is how they introduce their site:
“If you were looking for a website telling you how to be a dad… You didn’t find it. We aren’t experts in “dadology.” We aren’t even sure such a thing exists. We’re just here to tell you that being a parent sometimes means experiencing things without an authority, letting love and humor get you through. For those other times, we recommend a sturdy helmet.” – Charlie & Andy, The Dads
We are not looking for the answer or the authority on daddying, but for many of us we are looking for some advice that doesn’t hint just towards the funny. I know, I know, you might be saying, “why so blue?” I’m not down or out, just searching for information and trying to provide an alternative to what isn’t out there.
What I learned today about being a father:
HowToBeADad.com is funny and whimsical and has many great blurbs that I will gravitate back to. I like to joke around, and Jackie tends to my jokes with some laughter when necessary, but mostly hates my sarcasm and tells me to save my jokes for her father (because we get along really well and understand each others jokes, it’s a guy thing). But as for understanding how to be a dad, I fell we, dads, are all in this together and it has been proven time and time again, through avid internet research, the lack of daddy articles in any parenting/baby magazines, that we, dads, are like fish out of water when it comes to parenting.
What I think I know:
Women have a sixth sense when it comes to being mama that seems to be in direct correlation with the zero sense men have being daddy. Give a women a baby and she may look at him/her funny for a second, but then it all just works out. Motherhood is embedded in the back of their subconsciousness. Men, on the other hand, takes weeks, months, years and maybe a lifetime to figure out what being daddy is all about. There isn’t enough information out their for us, so we have to work together to at being daddy. I know we need some relief from our everyday contributions in the realms of parenthood, and I’m glad that I can find them with websites like howtobeadad.com. But I also know that we need to take ourselves and the lives of our children seriously.
I believe that being daddy represents an opportunity for all fathers to help mold a good life for our children and give them the tools and opportunities to be successful human beings, and that learning to be daddy has been a fun and challenging experience for me. We need to enjoy the experience, but referring to the experiences and challenges we face in a manner that doesn’t take parenthood seriously may not be the best approach to fatherhood that we can take.
Tip of the Week:
Being daddy is great, but know the difference between taking care of your child and watching your child grow up. My wife, bless her heart, got into the habit of asking, “Can you watch our son for a minute?” I nipped that in the but when I caught on to the trap she was setting for herself and me, and told her to ask me to take care of our son so that I could feel like the little things I could do mattered.
I can’t stand still, sit for a prolonged period of time, or sleep without humming, strumming or some type of swaying. I haven’t noticed the changes, but those around me have called me out on my inability to be still. It all has something to do with child. The side-to-side sway that relaxes him or the quick shake of a leg while sitting on the couch and holding him are
all now imbedded in my subconsciousness and I can’t stop myself from doing them even when he’s not around.
(mama break)
What I learned today about being a father:
Keeping up with daily posts has not been easy! Between the cleaning up after, making meals for, and creating a reassuring atmosphere for my wife (I love you honey!) and trying to care for child where does everyone find the time? The balancing act between being daddy and being daddy 101 and all my other hobbies is difficult. Because now, more than ever, people need me. Daddy’s old way of being isn’t necessarily obsolete, it’s just there is a new way of doing things.
What I think I know:
Learning to live differently, for someone else, began when I first moved in with my wife. My old life of freedom and independence, doing what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it, went out the door the moment we shared keys. It was hard then, but I got used to it, and thrived in it. Being daddy has created another new challenge, a new sway, if you will, on where life is going to take me. Mama still needs me, which is something that hasn’t changed, and noted every time I have to step away from the computer to give her a break (mama break: mamas term for when she needs something, instead of saying, “honey, can you do me a favor,” she now just yells, “mamas break.”, and I respond accordingly).
(mama break)
Being daddy I will learn my balance, but at the beginning we have to choose what’s most important to us. Writing this blog has helped me learn from my mistakes, understand better what mama and baby need, and reminds me that being daddy is the most rewarding person that I can be.
So I put it to you, anyone who may read this, how do you create balance in your life when being daddy or being mommy? Balancing a relationship, career, and personal time is tough; adding in a newborn makes it even tougher. What’s your sway like?
Oops, and mama needs another break. Until next time…
I work with a bunch of women, seriously. My current career path has me working long hours around a bunch of mothers and grandmothers, easily making up 80% of the people I am around on a daily basis, in meetings with, or working in close quarters to. They have seen me in all of my glory, through my promotions and my wedding and now the birth of child and I can not stress enough how these women, whom I know so well but also know so little, are proud of daddy.
What I learned today about being a father:
Newborn children, especially first borns, are the doorstep into any meaningful conversation. I write this with a smile, because I’ve learned so much more about the people who surround me on a much deeper emotional level. For some, I am their boss, for others co-workers and for others clients, but all these people want nothing to do with me work-wise until they can talk about child.
They want to see pictures, which I now show with honor, and talk about the birthing process and the sleep processes and the nursing. They want to ask about mama, tell me what she’s going through and how I can be more help and then listen as I explain my goals and what I’ve realized being daddy is all about so far (because, they will tell me, there is so much more to learn).
Some cry, others just hug. Today, of all days, more and more people have come to me to for something other than business plans, correspondences or advice. They have come to congratulate, pat me on the back, and tell me how proud they are of me, and I couldn’t feel better about my life.
What I think I know:
It’s all in the pictures. A few days ago I wrote a litte about catching the moments, and I came to the conclusion that those moments are better captured not with the lense but with my own eyes. I still believe this, but through the thousands of pictures I took (seriously, thousands) everyone else is able to get an idea of the moment and ascertain for themselves what they think of baby. It truly is an experience to watch faces light up with joy, to see the disgruntled co-worker (because we all have them) take part in the celebration of a new being, a baby, whom all immediately consider him one of their own. They love his small mouth, his round head, the simplesest expressions that they get from the pictures and especially his big toes! (akwardly large, even the doctor said so)
The point I’m trying to get to, I guess, is that even though I’ve gotten to know these women enough to know something about them through the birth of my son I’ve become closer to them then I could ever have imagined. I have become, in a strange sense, one of the ladies. It is different with other fathers, sure, and this feeling of camaraderie probably changes with time, but for now I’ll take my hugs and I’ll show my pictures, I’ll listen to the wonderful stories of parenthood that people come out of the woodwork to share, and I’ll continue to do my best to raise my son and be the best husband I can be. My family makes daddy proud. With each picture I show and with each smile my little guy brings I’m reminded just how proud I am.
Me, being daddy
I’m scared.
Today child and mama each have doctors appointments and I can’t be with them to hold hands and reassure them everything is going to be OK. We get his newborn test results back from the lab, and because tests and doctors make mama worry none of the three of us were able to get any sleep last night. Mama held onto child tight whispering in his ear that everything was going to be fine, that nothing was wrong with him and that the tests would come out negative for any signs of chronic diseases or disabilities. It wasn’t an easy night, and it isn’t an easy day because once child ran out of juice daddy held mama tight and whispered in her ear that everything was going to be OK, that the tests where going to come out in our favor for child, and mama too.
What I learned today about being a father:
Doctors and tests never worried me because I always knew that no matter the outcome of anything I would deal with it head on and not falter in destruction of disease or potential disability. It was easy for me when all I had to think about was me, but today my life has embarked on a totally different attitude towards the health of my family. I’m worried, and have been all day only because I didn’t completely think there was anything that I should be worried about until mama began to break down.
Mama is in good health, but since the pregnancy she has run into some complications with her lady parts. She is scared that we might find out something is more wrong then she thinks, and before last night I didn’t know to the extent what she was worried about. She opened up about what could be wrong, what might be wrong, and what could happen if the x’s and o’s line up the way she fears they can. She has over-researched her symptoms, done too many personal tests that can not truly be considered tests and continues to come to the same conclusion: that we will not be able to have more children.
Griffin, our boy, is our first. And as a new mother the thing that scares her most is not being able to have more children. She’s scared for herself, but finds solace and humor in knowing that we have him. But if you add-on the ideas of all that could be wrong with him that we don’t know about with a woman whose hormonal balance is completely out of structure we have created a recipe for super-sized anxiety, (hold the added stress). Being daddy I worry about my wife, I worry about my child, and I worry that I won’t be there in this time of need whether the news is good or bad because I am back to work.
What I think I know:
Though I have never considered myself an over-the-top romantic I know that a little support in the right direction goes a long way. I like to leave little notes in my wife’s purse or travel bag, maybe stuffed in the pages of a book she is or is not reading, to let her know how much I care about her and how wonderful she is. I don’t do this to gain from it, I just know that sometimes she needs a little pick-me up, a reminder that I’m here for her and that despite what she thinks I am thinking about her. At the doctors she found my note. I don’t know how things have turned out yet, but when she texted me to tell me she found my note I could sense a that strength coming back in her. It read, ‘Found Ur note. U R the sweetest man I know. I love U. Need milk.’
Positive letters from mama make my day better, and no matter how low I can get I know that doing what I can to brighten her day is what being daddy is all about.
Tip of the Week: Carry the Load.
The Load can mean many different things for different people, because every situation is different. For me, my wife needs me to be strong when she can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel or when the what if’s seem too out of her control. Being Daddy means I have to carry that load for her, be up when she is down, leave loving messages for her to find even if it isn’t me.
But whether it’s that emotional load our significant others can’t bear or the load that is all the new things that go with taking your baby somewhere, being daddy is being strong when we need to be, empathetic when she needs us to be, and loving as much as we can be. Oh, and don’t forget the milk.
When I first found out mama was pregnant I read all the daddy books that were out there and tried my best to read literature that my wife set neatly on my desk so that I would see it when I got home from work. I learned some good things, became more understanding about the changes she was going through and did everything to help her out that the books suggested. The fact is nothing could have prepared me for what was about to happen. All the books and websites gave great advice on what to expect when my wife was expecting and helped out more than I like to admit. They were invaluable in creating a better partnership during her pregnancy, but offered very little on what happens next.
I looked all over, and there is information here and there about being a first time father but what that information doesn’t focus on is what it means being daddy. I went back to my books, re-called all of my friends and sought out the golden rules from my elders on living with a newborn and a no-longer pregnant mama. After hours of searching and reading articles and talking with fathers I couldn’t find the answers that I was looking for. So I started this blog to give a behind the scenes look at being daddy, offer up my stories, theories, advice and updated knowledge even though I don’t know what being daddy is all about…Hey, we have to start somewhere.
What I learned today about being a father:
Back to work and everyone’s friendly for the first day, asking questions about child and mama and laughing at my expense because sleep is hard to come by and I look like a mess. Coming back to work after a few weeks off is hard enough, but going through the chitter-chatter of life amongst co-workers makes it just that much more difficult.
I work in a professional setting with many already parents and grandparents who are all interested in what I’m going through. I ask them questions about what their first years as parents were like, and what I learned is that none of my co-workers had the same answer.
Being daddy is unique for each man just as each pregnancy is unique for each woman. A few of the men I talked to seemed to remember nothing about the first few years of their kids, but had plenty to say about not getting enough sleep and reassuring me that, “It gets easier.”
“What gets easier?”
They think about my response for a second, they shrug their shoulders and reply the same way. “I don’t know. Being a father?”
What I think I know:
Being daddy is harder than most of us think. It’s not hard like being mama, but hard in a completely different sense with a unique learning curve that is more dictated by the man then anything else. It seems that no matter how many years experience one has or how much time someone has put into being daddy, they don’t really have the answer to how it gets easier, or what it actually takes. There is no simple, laid out plan to creating an environment in child’s first year that says this is what you’ll deal with and here’s how so-and-so will affect your life and here’s how you can be the best daddy for your child. It’s not there, I’ve looked! I’ve explored the depths of fatherhood from across the oceans of time and swam against its currents seeking out answers to being daddy! And ahoy! This is the best I can do…
In time, being daddy might get easier, and maybe what my fellow fathers are trying to tell me (that no book can) is that being daddy is like being naturally gifted at something, you don’t know why, you just are.
My wife, Jackie, turned 29 years-young 10 days exactly after our son was born. We celebrated in good fashion with her friends and family making the trip in from out of town and her parents holding the party at their house. Our small two-bedroom can not accomodate all the people, plus there would be limited amount of place that mama could take baby to nurse.
We arrived fashionably late, last, actually, and Jackie justified this by taking the stance that now we have a new baby and are allowed 15 additional late minutes on our typical 30 late minutes she uses to get herself ready. I was ready by 10AM for the 12:30PM party and took care of baby until mama got ready. As she took baby from me she looked at my bare feet, “Now who’s running late?”, she said, with jaw dropping simplicity and seriousness that nearly set me on fire. Some things never change.
What I learned today about being a father:
Celebrations are great, but celebrating with your loved ones is even better. We have been super lucky that her family members have made the extra effort to come in and see baby and celebrate her birthday with us over this last weekend because in life family matters.
As a young boy my family, cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles, did just about everything together. We went on summer trips together, saw baseball games together, spent Sundays at grandma and grandpa’s house. We lived like a community, and every weekend we stayed with our cousins or they stayed with us or we all stayed at G&G’s (grandma & grandpa’s) because our parents believed spending time with family was important. This weekend was an eye opener, a realization that as a young adult through my early thirties I lost sight of the important roles are families play in raising us as individuals. My son won’t remember anything from this weekend, but it was great for Jackie and I to relive the simpliest childhood moments from our past that helped shape who we both are, and those moments we talked about all weekend all had to do with family.
What I think I know:
For my family to come to Madison, WI, they would have to travel from Omaha, NE; about eight hours by road one way and hard to get to through the air, so they have yet to meet baby. Though they couldn’t be here with us, technology has shortened the distance gap and allowed us to connect on a totally virutal level. My parents, both ripe for their ages, are not technically savy but have mastered the art of Skype. They love it, actually introduced it to me last year as a way to communicate face to face, and it’s been fantastic! I come from a large family and we are somewhat spread out over the midwest, but by Skyping I have been able to introduce baby Griffin (child) to his aunts and uncles, cousins, and grandparents via technology. I have spoken to my family more often in the last 12 days then I had in the previous 60, and now that I think I have mastered Skyping I know there are more face to face interactions to come.
Griffin probably can’t even see everyone through the computer screen, but for me and Jackie we have been able to stay connected, one way or another, with family. They say it takes a village, but what I think I know is the saying doesn’t mean the village has to do, it just means the village has to be, and we are lucky enough to be able to surround child with a village no matter the distance.
I know I trend on the lovey-dovey side of my relationship with my wife, but truth be told for the most part that is what life is like. She is a wonderful person who I was lucky to find at a rough time in my life, a destructive time that could have gone two ways, and I’m in her debt because of the way that it did.
We have are problems, sure, just like any other couple, but we bounce back from each altercation stronger and more in line with each other than before. We are far from perfect, she can be bossy and demanding at times, and worried and overly anxious about what might happen rather than what is. I, on the other hand, am relaxed and agreeable, and not overly sensitive about my feelings or in too much of a hurry to get to what happens next. What we’ve come to completely agree about is that it’s all the little things we are for each other that keep us strong and help to build faith in our relationship.
What I learned today about being a father:
The days are flying overhead like aF16 leaving smoke trails in the clouds. I meant to go to work today, but I didn’t. I wasn’t ready yesterday and I knew this morning when I woke up (for the 4 time in 5 hours, kids these days) that it wasn’t my time. I relaxed a bit, and when I broke the news to mama she started crying. I didn’t know why she was crying, but then she gave me a big kiss and a hug, a sign that I’m still just as important to her now as the day we got married.
She told me how much she appreciates me taking all this time off of work to be with her and child. I told her that this is just a part of being daddy. She kissed me again, and for a second I thought that our passion had been reignited, the flame of our love burning brighter and hotter than ever and it was this moment that I knew that staying home wasn’t just the right thing to do for my family but the right thing to do because I wanted to make out with my wife. I snuggled closer, skin on skin like, and then she handed me baby and told me to change his diaper.
Buzz kill.
What I think I know:
I claim to know a lot of things, but in reality I don’t know much. I can’t read the signs from wife, let alone any other woman that I had a relationship with, but when I woke up today there was a sign, or rather, an instinct, that today was a great day to be daddy.
When mama got up from the bed and left me to diaper duty I was reluctant at first, but knew that any complaint I would make wouldn’t look good on my love-making resume for later. I changed the poo-poo and got peed on, afterwards which the cat licked up than threw-up, cleaned that; picked up after the dog, gave her a bath because she had poo-poo on her butt; did the dishes (3 days worth, no recycling of dishes in this household, all by hand of course), vacuumed the one rug we have plus loaded, folded, and stuffed away three loads of laundry. Mama held baby, watched, and smiled, because what I know is that all the little things are the big things, and being daddy makes all the little things worth while.
Being Daddy 101 Tip of the Week:
New topic; I’ll try to cue in a tip of the week to mix things up a bit. I can’t say that I’ll remember, but maybe mama will remind me.
If you haven’t done so get a Munchkin Warm Glow Wipe Warmer for baby. I don’t like to plug commercially, but it’s a charm. Baby’s butt loves the damp, warm feeling of cloth cleaning him or her up. TOPIC ALERT! If you do buy the Munchkin Warm Glow Wipe Warmer and you have a baby boy be sure to shield his pee-pee when you change him. If he’s anything like my son the warm wipes que a certain response that makes baby pee all over; craziest thing really.
Today was my first day back at work, part time of course, because being away from work for an extended period of time makes it harder to go back to work for a regular period of extended time, especially in the middle of a week. So I tried as I could, getting up early, doing some laundry, changing child and kissing mama good-bye. I packed my bags, walked out the door after petting both cat and dog, and walked to my car. Sounds like a normal adventure in the ponzi scheme of a work-aholic father, though it was anything but.
What I learned today about being a father:
Everything was running smoothly, but what I learned today was that as soon as my butt hit the seat of my car I had already begun to miss my family. Mama is a graduate student studying to be all that she can be, and as the majority bread winner in the family I have to continue to work to provide for the basic need of child and mama which makes work a necessity. I sat in my car and idled in the parking lot of our small, four unit apartment complex and I didn’t want to leave. Thoughts of all the things I was going to miss in this short amount of time rummaged through my mind like lost baggage in an airport. I began to drive myself a little crazy with wishes and dreams of a day when I wouldn’t have to get up to get ready and leave my family, and to say this on my first half-day back makes me wonder how I’m going to get through all of next week when I go back to being full-time plus! I’m scared, nervous, and worried that my work will show signs of distraction or not be as on top of all the things and projects that I have going on in my life.
What I think I know:
Being a work-aholic daddy whose hobbies include running two, tiny, itsy-bitsy businesses while writing frantically trying to finish one of my many masterpieces (that may or may not include short stories, full length novels, screenplays, poetry, and now, of course, this blog) as well as working full-time plus make it hard to find time to get to know your family. Walking out today was difficult knowing that I was going to miss the trials and tribulations of my sons 8th full day of life (where does time go!) even though I had planned to gradually get myself reacclimated at my position over the next two days. I tried to get comfortable at work, readjusting constantly in my chair for a better angle at my cell phone just in case mama calls with some new news of what baby did or to tell me about a poop or pee-pee that we weren’t expecting. I caught myself watching my iPhone, waiting for something to happen, while emails and phone calls and service requests went unanswered.
I like what I do, but being there made me want to be here, at home, even more. I know how hard going back to work can be for mamas, but I didn’t realize how hard it was going to be to go back to work being daddy. I don’t know if others can relate to this, but I also don’t think any of us want to miss what happens next. Unfortunately we have to, and I know that as much as mama missed my support at home today I know that she appreciates my support by continuing to bring home a paycheck.
Do you have any advice for a work-a-home-aholic daddy who struggles to find time just for himself without trying to find time for baby and mama? I appreciate your feedback and insight.
As baby settles in to his new routine we have clamored over who gets what picture taken with him and when. In our small two bedroom we have cameras and computers and other picture-taking electronics strewn throughout across our space, waiting with our breaths held to catch baby’s first full-fledged smile, a new pose we have yet to see, or for that time when both eyes are opened wide and attentive.
What I learned today about being a father:
It’s been a struggle to keep track of which pictures are on which camera or if these or those pictures have been posted to Facebook or sent to Shutterfly or not. Mama and I keep telling each other to get the camera, or saying things like, “we need to get a video of this.” What I’ve learned over the course of our first week is that the harder we try catching the moment the more moments that we’ve missed. Last night mama and I put the cameras away, stored the video recorder back in its attache, and have just been more conscious of keeping our iPhones closer than before. But we don’t worry anymore about a look or a smile, or a new pose that baby hasn’t done before because we are now both being more attentive seeing it for ourselves.
What I think I know:
I’ve been a father for one week, and it’s been the happiest most difficult and shortest week of my life. I never gave the concept of “they grow up so fast” much thought, but last night mama and I talked about how much new hair has come in on baby and how much his face has filled out in such short time. I always knew that baby would grow up, because that’s what babies do and if we didn’t I wouldn’t be as I am, but man, they grow up so fast.
I thought we’d have a chance to enjoy each and every one of his little moments for eternity, but I think I realized that we only have a small amount of time to relish them, and that if I don’t get to see them first hand, not behind a camera or a lens, that those moments really won’t stick with me the way I want them too. I can close my eyes and see baby better each and every day over the past week than I can trying to find the pictures in a file on my computer. Being daddy isn’t simple, but knowing that it’s better to see than to realize that he is growing up so fast might just make it easier on the both of us.
Being Daddy 101 